missing...

I'm sure everyone's had that weird feeling that something is missing. Either it's the fact that they've forgotten something as they're leaving the house, something they've always just picked up without paying attention to it, and somehow got distracted, and left it behind. I've done it a gazillion times. Like today, I walked out to my car and got half way to work and realized I hadn't put on any lipstick.

Fortunately, I have lipstick in my purse at all times, mainly for the after-lunch refresh of pouty perfection (or imperfection, as it were). I just wish I had something in my purse for the feeling of "missing" I've been having, in fits and starts, for about a week. Some pill or something that makes me get over it already. Not like I'm obsessing, heavens no. But I was sitting and watching my favorite show, Overhaulin', and the twinge comes back. It's weird.

It's like a little hiccup somewhere under my sternum. An icky feeling of missingness, like I imagine phantom limb syndrome might feel. Not quite depressing, but the feeling too that it needs to be replaced. Like I've somehow lost a few cds into the ether of moving, and I need to replace them, so thay I may have the pleasure of them again. Of course, this is nothing to losing a friend, of any stripe. And I keep running into things that remind me of the "missingness", like a favorite song (how trite!), certain kinds of music, an iPod commercial, an upcoming event I'm working on, a notation of an upcoming birthday that I stupidly wrote IN INK in my book. Even if I cross it out, I still know what's under there.

Even though I'll be insanely busy this summer with theatre, it won't take it away! How can I find something to help? It started to fade a little, due to exhaustion, but something always comes up to stick it up my nose again.

Apparently one of the most grievous side effects of all this self-improvement work I'm doing is the ability to actually feel the sense of loss instead of covering it up with emotional perfume or food or whatever. They say that as one grows older, it gets easier... nope, not easier, not at all. Harder. Like when the "missingness" hits me, it's really damn painful. I mean, really. I know what's missing isn't coming back. I also know that it can never be replaced. This reality can't be escaped, and oh, dear friends - it HURTS.