rapture...and heartsickness

blondie,
originally uploaded by mirymalice.

...is going out on a blustery saturday morning and having some pampering retail therapy. Got the talons clipped (so as to cut down on the number of misspellings and other typos), got the hair chopped (it hasn't been this short since 1998), and then came home and ate my head off.

Heartsickness is the icky pain in the middle of my chest. I do feel as if someone's reached in there behind my sternum and removed little pits of heart tissue, and then flung them about with utter abandon. And then, when they've left marks on the walls and the polished tops of the coffee table, and even fallen in the scented candles, then they are fished out, and stomped on.

But let's get back to rapture, shall we? The photo somewhat resembles Debbie Harry, doesn't it? Ot perhaps I'm delusional. Actually I know I'm delusional, because I'm actually feeling rather optimistic. Not about the stomping heart thing, but about my ability to recover, having learned that too little of a good thing can make you just as miserable as too much.

I know, ya'll have learned this way before now, but I need sense applied with a sledgehammer. But this is MY revelation dammit, and I'm going to expound.

So yes, too little affection leaves one doubting one's sanity, since one (and this would be me, for the dull of wit who may stumble across this post) has ranted and railed against too much attention and cheesily desperate attempts to keep one in thrall and paralysed, and one would think that it should be all or nothing. Nope.

I require just enough petting and praise to feel loved, but not so much as it takes on no value or meaning. I don't know that my wants are all that ridiculous. After all, I know they're out there; these elusive men who are truly wonderful (I've even met one or two) and who are actually up to the challenge of a real love affair.

And the next lesson? Don't date. Of course, this could change if I meet a completely hunky, talented, direct, commanding, affectionate, intelligent person. However, as I move in either the high tech world (geek central, plus it just doesn't DO to date one's co-workers) or theatre (I'll not date another actor any time soon, one drama queen is enough, thanks!), it doesn't look likely that I'll meet someone who meets all these criteria.

I don't have a thing against geeks, except their usual lack of socialization... but that's another post...

my heart hurts.