iTunes "torture" playlist

Actually, not just today, but the previous two weeks at least:

Besame Mucho|Diana Krall
Call Me A Fool|Etta James
Can't Help Lovin' That Man|Trudy Richards
Creep|Radiohead
Cry Me a River|Diana Krall
Erase-Rewind|The cardigans
Hello|Evanescence
How Long Has This Been Going On?|Karrin Allyson
I Don't Stand A Ghost Of A Chance With You|Diana Krall
I've Got A Crush On You|Gershwin / Ella Fitzgerald
If I Should Lose You|Nina Simone
Lost Mind|Diana Krall
Love Me Like A Man|Karrin Allyson
My Favourite Game|The Cardigans
My Immortal|Evanescence
My Love Is |Diana Krall
Peel Me A Grape|Diana Krall
Sufferin' With The Blues|Roomful Of Blues
The Love You Lost On The Way|Roomful Of Blues
The Meaning Of The Blues |Karrin Allyson
Vile Priest|Satinesque
Wild is the Wind|Cat Power

singing, and other stressful stuff...

I'm sitting here at my desk, and was listening to my voice lesson cd - I LOVE iTUNES! - and just started having panic/anxiety about tonight. I hate auditions. In some ways freaking yourself out can be pleasureable, but damn it I can't breathe. And to top it all off, I send a direct-as-hell request to the boy I have a little crush on. And I'm kind of afraid of how he's going to respond. I think it's the "not knowing" part that is making me hyperventilate. besides, I really like him.

Okay, just came back from proofing a poster, and I feel better. It always helps when professionals who are damn good at what they do back me up in my opinions. Especially when they're cute. Hah.

more later

the nectar of the gods...

I don't mean that scary marshmallow salad, which is erroneously monikered "ambrosia" and tastes like a bunch of styrofoam slathered in sweet mayo with canned stunted artifically sweetened oranges, and coconut! Who ever thought of that?? someone who must have been stoned all the time. I mean I've come up with some really weird combinations before, and mostly when under the inluence of some banned substance, but not coconut!

I mean the intoxicating slighly sickening flavor of the caffeine impregnated drink of the day - Mountain Dew. Not only did I come down with a bad case of the sleepies right afer eating peanuts, I felt like I was actually asleep with my eyes open. Breathing deeply did absolutely nothing to assuage my exhaustion. I'm wondering if this diet is doing me any good, since I seem to have stalled in my weight loss, and I'm getting tired at really strange times of the day, not to mention getting off the subject.

The slightly acerbic and fairly "green" taste of my last sip lingers on my tongue and the back of my throat. I don't mean a refreshing, spa-like flavor. I mean the "green" of candy and suckers. I mean the thin taste of fake lemon-lime. I mean the hearkening back to a childhood of yore when I wasn't on a damn diet because I didn't care whether I was fat, or whether my clothes matched, or whether my roots were showing. A time when I wasn't the tallest person (minus one, now) in my entire extended family.

And the color! Acid green like the finest and most intelligent alien's skin. A color that couldn't possibly occur in nature, and reminds one vaguely of an irregular specimen. I'm celebrating the oneness of Dew.

aries, virgo, sagittarius

seagoat,
originally uploaded by mirymalice.

I have often pondered the relevance of astrology in my daily life. Usually my canned horoscopes are so incredibly vague as to give pause to even the most bland of politicians. They can apply to anything. I can imagine that this:"you will experience an adventure that involves travel" could mean something like this: You will go to buy cigarettes, or: You will be hit by a falling meteorite and blown halfway to Texas. Both could possibly be termed as adventurous, if the clerk at the seven-11 is cute, or if you don't see the meteorite, and just experience the brief exiliaration of flight before your broken body hits the ground and becomes pulverized.

So imagine my surprise when astrology is proven at least partially true in almost every regard this weekend. I mean this in the astrological analysis of personality, as opposed to my horoscope, which I'm chagrined to admit I didn't consult. So I actually met two people, one of which is such an Aries that "ram" just oozes from every pore. He's one of those people that could definitely turn sideways and slip into another dimension. I value people such as this, for their very ethereal qualities, since I'm so grounded as to be a mountain myself. They show me the value of imperfection.

And then, there are the Virgos. Fellow earth signs, but surely they've got to be fixed (meaning not mutable or cardinal rather than neutered), since they're mostly obsessive and completely anal and control freaks. I know, I'm not being very flattering, but there are two of them, and I feel completely trapped by their intense freakishness. Not only does one think (THINK, mind you) that he's in love with me after meeting me exactly TWICE, the other, whom I've talked to maybe twice and have yet to meet, thinks he likes me lots already. Save me from people born in late august and early september! If I wanted to be stifled and smothered, I'd just bury myself alive to save these virgos the trouble.

And finally, the lone archer. The centaur brandishing weapons of long distance destruction, or more correctly, one weapon. These cagey creatures despise human kind, thinking them beneath their notice. They need freedom, and boy do they ever. Wanderlust. FEH.

So to wrap all this up (too late!) I won't be putting all my trust in ages old theory predating psychology, but I'll pay attention, no VIRGOS, watch out for aries, watch out for sagittarius. Keep the scorps for friends, never ever date another capricorn. That leaves Taurus of the possible compatible signs, but that's already proved a bust - and forget about water. Water and earth make mud, pure and simple. SO apparently us cappys are left with fire - leo, specifically. ARGH!

auntie em...

I am in sore need of some good old victorian perseverence right now... Or at least acceptance of a female's lot in life, which, damn it, hasn't freakin' changed much.

Click the header for Auntie Em's complete works, meanwhile - here's the most appropriate of the moment:

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
-Emily Dickinson

ACK! c'mon little bird, come back, I've got some tasty little breadcrumbs!

a new movie...

For me at least... went to a movie night last night and saw "Amelie" which a friend recommended highly. In fact, I believe it was impressed upon me that it was absolutely imperative that I see it. And so when my best girl friend invited me, I was delighted to accept. We sat outside, in the Sunset District, my hair rapidly falling flat and then frizzy, me smoking now and then, and I was treated to a lovely visual feast of reds and greens. I literally wished I could reach out and just live there in the Two Windmills Cafe, even with the hypochondriac Tabacconist, the limping scary Bartender, and the Neurotic Ex who chases all the women away - even after shaking the walls with abandon.

I think the second best part for me was Amelie's penchant for picking up round stones, and making them fly.

But the best part was her melting into a puddle of water. I've felt like that more times than I like to admit. All her little statagems worked out in the end, and her hopes become all of ours. And I've had that kiss and will treasure it all my days.

go and read this...

That means, in mo-speak, click on the header to read the most appropos article on "The sexiness of wrinkled skin", by a most astute lady writer, name of Jane Ganahl.

It sort of reminds me of the sex-in-the-city kind of writing, a little tamer, but I'm all about commenting on this article.

I myself find men older than I (specifically 40 and up, but somewhere below 60, because who wants to outlive someone by 40 years?) infintely sexy and fascinating. and I've also recently discovered an intense attraction to the eyes of any particular person - specifically what makes them open and guileless. It's amazing how one look can undo a person completely. And then, just to make things complete, put them back together again.

I found that men my age have little going on behind their eyes. Either they're too open (and consequently either too desperate or dumb to realize it) or they're too calculating. I'm sure my older boys have gone through this phase, but thankfully before they ever met me. I want laugh lines and character lines...

avalanche...

Of projects today - and of emotional interestingness. I figured I should write before I strangle the admin who continually sends out meeting reminders, as if I can't show up on time anywhere. My annoyance is towering.

In other news - my energy level has now dropped off in the afternoons again, especially if I have the mid-afternoon infusion of caffeine laced liquid. I suppose I really should take myself off the first phase of this diet, and move on (already!) to phase two. But I do so love living in the past...

And it's easier when one doesn't have a bewildering array of carbs to choose from. right now it's veggies and the occasional corn chip binge.

Other than that I'm moving beyond my place of wrath and tears with surprising alacrity. I have the feeling it's not really over yet.... though my magic 8-ball is reticent...

I'm an idiot...

Oh yes I am. I've got 25 minutes left in the day, I've finished all my projects, and now have time to ruminate on why it is that I'm so freakin' intense. I wrote last month that I felt as if I was walking around with no skin on, desirous of throwing paint on every white wall I see, just to throw some LIFE into people and places.

I simply don't understand people (in general). My friends are just as intense as I am, which is why they're my friends. They're perfectly lovely people, and they understand the chaos and drama that seems to surround me like a plague of locusts. Or a specially spiky aura. Thank goodness for my friends, who have the fortitude to withstand all onslaughts and torrents of tears and wild abandon, and the self-defeating bouts of ego deflation.

A man a long time ago told me he was usually too intense for the people he was with. Had him beat. Another man not so long ago told me that he could handle how I am, as long as I talked about what was wrong with me, and didn't let all that intensity fester. Ran with his tail between his legs. And for the fatal third time, even though I said nothing, the intensity of feeling that I apparently engender in people burns them alive and causes them to wither and turn to ash and float away. I did NOTHING. I held back even. They self immolate. They go and run with their hair on fire, searching for a nice bland little pudding of a female so they can shine better by comparison.

I suppose I'll just merrily burn in my little fire, a salamander in its native element. FEH. It hurts.

looking...

righteyebrow,
originally uploaded by mirymalice.

Off into the distance, imagining a world and universe populated not by frogs, amphibious little buggers. I hate dating. Dating sucks.

Why can't we all just go to the dating fast food place, put in our order and get what we want right then? A sort of Singleton Burger King.

Frogs Not On Menu.

and now for...

...something completely different. I'm going to see if I can keep up a running dialog all day long. A sort of all day in the life of a drama queen/princess/diva.

12.31pm

Okay so I'm starting a little late for ALL day, but I have to take breaks now and then from the insane amount of work that's just been dumped right on my poor little blonde head. Have I mentioned yet tht I LOVE being blonde? I don't love the upkeep, but I couldn't be truly high-maintenance without it. I talked to an, um, interesting boy last night. I think he fell asleep on me. I'm feeling rather miffed about that. I can't help that he's a a lawyer and probably gets no sleep. Feh.

Traffic sucked this morning, and I've had waaaay too much coffee already. And I have nothing to do tonight. You'd think the blonde thing would garner me a date once in a while, but noooo. I guess I still have to keep my darned personality. And not to mention I actually need some sleep.

And now I'm to write a hair raising e-mail. Pressure! And all for a person I'll probably never meet. Ah well, it keeps me in practice for writing. And I need plenty of practice.

I'm SO SICK of bland broccoli and chicken. Stupid diet.

3:01pm

Why am I always writing on the 1's? Whatever. Now I have yet another thing that needs to happen RIGHT NOW. And I keep getting interrupted, which is turning a 2 hour job into a four hour job. Calgon...blah blah blah.

But just got some seriously good news, the major thing has been pushed back a week...

5:27pm

Damn! Disappointment abounds today. FEH. Can't really elaborate, but oh well. It isn't like I don't have 3 guys I'm talking to...

OH MY GOD - what terrible flirts these men are - I'm outnumbered, help!!!

emotional hangover

I woke up this morning a half an hour before my alarm went off. This means it was the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. I was wide awake, and then the allergy monsters attacked me. I'm almost out of my twice-a-day lifesavers, and the sun is out and things are blooming, and my eyes are swollen and I can't stop sneezing, and I feel frankly hung over. I haven't drunk anything remotely alcoholic in almost a month.

And last night I sank into blessed apathy while watching a delightful show called "The Secret Life of Cheesecake." My feelings of missingness have faded somewhat, and other drama is now subsuming it. And it wasn't even of my own making. Sometimes I feel like I'm not paying one jot of attention to the things going on around me. I mean, when things blow up I can certainly look back and say, I see how it happened. But some prevention might come in handy.

Like taking allergy drugs so as not to feel fuzzy and out of sorts on the hour long commute. Like forgetting all the good things about an ex boyfriend, so as not to get all weepy over a good song.

I wonder if this is what it's like to walk around with no skin on? No drug in the world will get rid of it.

upheaval...

Okay, I've had just about enough drama for this week, and the week hasn't properly started yet.

I've now added to my list of pet peeves. People who look at you, give the appearance of listening, and yet somehow give you the impression that they haven't heard a blessed word you've said. In fact, when they actually point their eyes in your direction, it looks like they're gazing right through your forehead. These people aren't engaged, or even anywhere near the same universe as other normal human beings.

This particular phenomenon is closely linked to another irritant of mine, those who choose to exercise selective memory. For example I might remember how something happened with crystalline clarity, but the other person (and it's usually only one), refuses (usually with great vehemence) to believe they ever said anything of the sort. I'm the type that if I say something hurtful, I usually remember it, considering it's usually deliberate. And if it isn't, I won't immediately deny that I ever said such a thing. I'll actually stand (or sit, or lie) there and try to remember if I indeed said it. I don't suffer from guilt induced amnesia. Or perhaps it's better termed spiteful remorseless amnesia.

So these two types of people are followed in quick succession by the sort who say they'll do a thing, and then either deliberately or dull-wittedly either forget or willfully refuse to live up to their promises. It doesn't bother me as much unless they don't apologize. How would they like it if someone says, oh yeah, I'll get around to that CPR thing on you in a minute, and then get sidetracked by something else.

I realize this is an extreme example, but why is it I feel like I and my small circle of extraordinary people are the only ones in the world with any courtesy or consideration in the world??

FEH.

filters!

art2,
originally uploaded by mirymalice.

Since I've been learning the CS versions of all my favorite software, I've found this diffuse glow filter in photoshop CS. I found out it hides lots of flaws, like those dumb self portraits I can't seem to stop myself from taking. This actually makes me look halfway decent... and the image was really out of focus to begin with.

Now if I could only get people to cross their eyes a little bit when they look at me for real, All would be well in the world.

It's truly amazing. It even hides the fact that I need to bleach my hair again... And it makes my eyes look huge.. I'll just be carrying this filter around with me everywhere!